The Perils of Rodney McKay
by Trunks lil' sis
Summary: “Am I alright? Am I alright?” He jerked wildly. “Train! Train! Train, John! There is a very large train coming this way and I am tied to the tracks. Do I look like the continuing adventures of The Perils of Pauline?” McKaySheppard


Title: The Perils of Rodney McKay

Rating: Teen

Summary: "Am I alright? Am I alright?" He jerked wildly. "Train! Train! Train, John! There is a very large train coming this way and I am tied to the tracks. Do I look like the continuing adventures of The Perils of Pauline?"

Notes: This was supposed to be a nice short story, a comedy, and parody. Yeah, it didn't quite turn out like that. It was supposed to be a Crack!fic, and it sort of still is, but not entirely.

Warnings: Teetering on the edge of a ( non-AU) Harlequin Romance between two men.

Disclaimer: Make me an offer. I'll pay.

The Perils of Rodney McKay:

The Colonel ran. He ran harder and faster than he'd ever ran before, legs pumping with incredible force. He huffed for air, oblivious to his dwindling ability to do so. He found himself far more preoccupied with hurdling over falling tree logs and dodging low branches. The woods were especially thick on the planet and were only serving to slow him down at a time he critically needed to avoid interference. He pushed on, through the pain, hell bent on making it on time, because losing Rodney wasn't an option.

How things had escalated out of control, John would never rightfully know, but he was certain on one dire issue, and he planned to share it with his egotistical teammate. Rodney was never allowed to go off with natives again. He was never allowed to open his mouth and share his brilliance with the aliens, or better yet, he was prohibited from flashing his pearly white teeth (how they stayed that way with all the coffee he drank was a real mystery within the Atlantis population) and charming the local mining boss.

John swerved to the right, a clearing in the trees giving him a brief view of his intended destination. Thankfully, he was on course.

He ought to have known something was the matter when Heron Tunko pulled him aside to ask about Rodney McKay. The questions were harmless enough at first, mostly Rodney's status on Atlantis, likes and dislikes, but they soon grew disturbing. He should have put his foot down when the boss asked for information concerning Rodney's marital status.

Upon further reflection, he owed Rodney an apology. He'd allowed his eyes to interfere with his heart. Heron Tunko practically owned the largest mining town on the planet, controlling the law through money and intimidation. He wasn't the type of fellow John wanted to get involved with, but he also coincidentally owned the fields of agriculture surrounding the mining community. Atlantis wasn't desperate for food, their other alliances kept them from ever reaching that point, but Heron owned fields of luxury items. John would be damned if those weren't fields of things relatively similar to coffee beans, coco beans, and orchards of fruit. Coffee, chocolate and apples? John had all but practically served Rodney up on a silver platter.

They'd been in the town of Typid for a grand total of four days before it happened. In such time John had turned a blind eye to the miners and workers. Yes, he understood they were being over worked and under paid, but none were being abused or forced, and therefore he kept his nose out of their business. They didn't speak to him, or look him in the eyes, and one look from Rodney at the mention of coffee and chocolate was more than enough to convince him it wasn't their problem.

John found Heron's attachment to Rodney disturbing, and he took care to keep an extra eye on his scientist, but couldn't have possibly known what was bound to happen. Heron's like of Rodney's mind had easily spilled over into general obsession. When once Rodney had been glad to spend the day with someone who fawned over him, he instead took to hiding in his and Sheppard's assigned room. Announcing their departure for Atlantis, despite their assurances to return, had been the catalyst.

He couldn't gather enough air to call Rodney's name, and felt a surge of dizziness creep up on him. He couldn't continue his pace for much longer. If he didn't break from the forest soon, Rodney would surely be lost.

He did manage to forge away from the main grouping of trees, and slid down a rocky slope, kicking up debris around him. He paused, chest heaving frantically, to assess the situation.

He saw Rodney at the exact same moment he saw the train.

(Stargate Altnatis)

Heron was creepy far before he'd taken a turn towards the sinister side. Rodney had been overall disturbed by the large man who took to fingering his long, black moustache while he talked. However, the man had a nearly identical form of chocolate and coffee growing in his fields, and if getting it meant being nice to a pervert who made no attempt to hide his leers, then by golly, he was going to do it.

Rodney wondered why Heron showed favor to him, rather than Teyla or the Colonel. It was on rare occasions he found himself being pursued romantically, which immediately set him into a suspicious thought process. Obviously there had to be something wrong with Heron, especially when he practically came courting.

Rodney, even from his current position, blood rushing to his head, recalled the exact moment it had happened. Sheppard had announced they were departing for Atlantis the following morning and another follow up team would be by in a few days time to complete the bartering process for the supplies. Heron had seemed upset, but fled their presence calmly.

He'd slept funny that night, tossing and turning on a naturally wonderful bed. John had complained numerous times of his fidgeting. Rodney had elbowed him numerous times for his bitching.

It had only taken a moment. John had been off, preparing their gear for departure and Rodney had stepped outside for some fresh air. Suddenly there were hands over his mouth and he was hoisted off his feet, then carted around the back of the hotel. With a burst of strength he'd been swung over Heron's large shoulders and taken through the woods, John none the wiser.

Well, Rodney decided, John had better have gotten off his ass and noticed something was wrong. Rodney was in no mood to be kidnapped again, especially by a mining boss right out of the primitive nineteenth century.

He kicked wildly, hopping to catch the large man off guard. Unfortunately huge fingers caught his ankles and held him still.

"I'm warning you," Rodney said, his voice wavering only the slightest bit. "I'm a very valuable member of my team. I could quite possibly be the most valuable--yes, yes, that's right. I'm worth my weight in coffee beans. I'm a king among peasants! You won't get away with his!" He balled his fingers, all too aware of how horribly clichéd he was sounding. He pounded on Heron's meaty back. "Let me go!"

Heron laughed, only holding Rodney tighter. "Calm yourself, my precious, I do not wish to drop you."

Rodney growled, jerking harder for freedom. He had put up quite a fight at the beginning, and had even managed to free himself. After a short attempted escape he'd unfortunately been knocked into a tree, and diagnosed himself with a mild concussion, the blood on his forehead being his scientific proof. Now he had been thrown over the brute's shoulder for so long he'd begun to lose feeling in most of his body. His strength was zapped, and if John didn't swoop into save the day soon, he was done for. He had no desire to marry the Neanderthal carrying him back to the cave.

"I'd rather you did drop me on my head!" Maybe he'd be just a little too brain damaged to be kept. "Don't you realize my teammates will come looking for me? You simply can't expect them to just let you take me. They'll come after us, and when they catch you, John will hurt you, and I mean hurt you badly. You should see what he did to the last person who tried to kidnap me!"

Heron hefted him higher as they cleared the woods. "Your friends are being sufficiently dealt with. You will not have to trouble your mind with interruptions. You and I have many, many years future years together, and they will not spoil that."

"You listen to me, and you listen good. I'd rather spend the rest of my life with Kavanaugh! I'd rather spend a hundred years in Siberia! I'd rather suck a lemon!"

The anger on Rodney's face turned to bitter outrage when a sharp smack radiated from his rear, coupled with Heron's malevolent laugher.

"You are lucky," Heron chuckled, "I like you feisty. You will please me well in my bed."

He'd been saving his strength for a moment Heron led down his guard, but the thought of spending one night with him sent Rodney reeling. He brought his knee up as sharply as he could muster and caught Heron in the jaw. Stunned, he released his grip on Rodney who tumbled down to the ground.

"I'm Rodney McKay, brilliant Astrophysicist," Rodney said, scrambling to his feet while Heron howled in pain, clutching his bleeding nose. "Not Rodney McKay, whore for hire." And he took off running, hell bent on getting away from his captor. He was well aware he was running from the town, and therefore from John's help, but in his haze he'd picked a direction and it was too late to turn back now. A quick glance over his shoulder told him Heron was recovering and quickly.

He tripped. He actually tripped. He tripped, and if John Sheppard ever found out about it, he'd never hear the end of it.

Weak and exhausted Rodney looked down at his feet, only to discover he'd tripped over a shiny locomotive track. Worse, he'd managed to snag the bottom of his pants on one of the protruding spikes. He tugged ferociously at his pant leg, hearing the fabric rip a little more each tug.

"Now Darling, why'd you run?"

Rodney's head snapped up as Heron was upon him, arms reaching out.

"Because," he said, rolling backwards and away from the man. "I refuse to be your--"

He was caught around the waist and squeezed tightly.

He fought twice as hard. He'd gotten away twice now, and despite his depleted strength, he wasn't about to be carted off to be assaulted. Rodney trusted John and knew he only had to buy the man a little more time.

"Will you just listen?" Rodney took a real swing at Heron's head and connected. "I know your puny brain his hardly capable of understanding the words I speak, but make an attempt. I will not be your companion or whatever else you want. I'm not going to warm your bed, or cook you dinner, or do anything voluntarily. I'm going to fight you ever step of the way, and I'll try to escape every second of the day. You and I will never be, and you'd better believe John Sheppard will find us, and you will be kissing his ass, begging for forgiveness before he's done with you."

That seemed to catch Heron's attention as he pause, bringing Rodney a tad more veridical.

"Why do you fight this?" He questioned. "Why are you so certain this John Sheppard will find us?"

Rodney leveled himself, fingers curling around Heron's shoulder, pressing painfully into the skin. "Because I love John Sheppard, and he loves me." At Heron's startled expression Rodney was finally allowed his own laugh. "You haven't noticed?" And he shouldn't have, Rodney reminded himself, but the bastard didn't need to know. "You didn't get the memo? Both myself and the Colonel are off the market. That means we aren't available for kidnapping!"

"You will never give this man up?" Heron asked, a dangerous glint in his eyes. Rodney swallowed and nodded confidently. "Then I am sorry."

"Whoa, sorry why?" Rodney had little time to brace himself before he was tossed viciously to the rocky ground. He struck the railroad tracks harshly, dazed upon the impact. Heron disappeared from sight and Rodney dared to hope the man had finally given up.

"I would have truly enjoyed taking you." Heron appeared above him, rope in hand. "You would have been my most precious commodity."

Rodney suddenly recalled the first film he'd seen as a child. His mother had been doing her routine cleaning out of the attic, and had uncovered a projector and old streams of black and white films. His father had set it up when he'd arrived home from work later that night. Rodney had been all of four at the time, but he remembered quite clearly, one particular instance of the film. He remembered the infamous railroad track scene.

Rodney fought and kicked and tried his best to prevent it, but found himself tied to the railroad tracks at both his wrists and ankles. "Please," he pleaded with Heron, "I've completely changed my mind. We can go off and live in sin together. Yes? Sin will be very good for you and I."

Heron shook his head regretfully. "You have spoken your mind and heart, Rodney McKay. I cannot devote my entire life to containing your spirit. However, if I cannot possess you, John Sheppard certainly will not either."

In the distance a train whistle blew a warning.

(Stargate Atlantis)

Teyla placed her hand on the frightened man's shoulder and smiled softly at him. "We mean you no harm." Behind her Ronan growled, and the man flinched. Teyla continued, "We merely ask for information. A teammate of ours may be in danger, and another heading into it."

The man's eyes darted wildly. "I can't, I can't say anything." He gripped his tools in his grip. "Boss Tunko will know I've spoken to you. I'll lose my job. My mother and father aren't able to support our family on their own, and if I lose my income we'll starve. Please, leave me alone. I am truly sorry for your friend, but his fate is out of your hands."

Ronan stepped around Teyla, and curled his hand around the man's neck. "You will tell us where Heron has taken Doctor McKay. Sheppard has gone after them. You know the area." The man struggled and despite Teyla's urging hand on Ronan's shoulder, he only tightened his grip. "I will break your neck."

"Enough!" Teyla ordered. "Release him."

The man bent forward, attempting to catch his breath. He wheezed, "The forest. He will have taken your friend through the forest in attempt to lose any pursuers."

"We already know that," Ronan said, his voice rough.

"He, he, Boss Tunko probably took your friend out to his second estate. It has an underground access tunnel that leads to the river where a boat always waits. Head west through the forest and once you reach the clearing you'll see a set of tracks. Our engines run through the area three times a day. His estate is only a little further in the same direction."

Teyla tipped her head forward. "Thank you." She strode off, a menacing Ronan after her.

(Stargate Atlantis)

He was screaming Rodney's name before he even remotely close. His mind registered only the barest of things, including Rodney tied to railroad tracks, Heron standing over him, and a very large train barreling down the tracks without any indication of stopping.

"John!" Rodney's eyes lit up at the sight of his lover, nearly to his location. He turned towards Heron. "Prepare to have your ass handed to you."

Heron caught John's punch, and the one after that, flipping the lighter and shorter man to the ground with ease. The two men fumbled for footing, lunging again, John taking out Heron's feet. He laid his fist into the nose Rodney had already broken.

With Heron seemingly incapacitated for the moment, John rose off him, looking towards Rodney. "Are you alright?"

Rodney seethed. "Am I alright? Am I alright?" He jerked wildly. "Train. Train. Train, John. There is a very large train coming this way and I am tied to the tracks. Do I look like the continuing adventures of The Perils of Pauline?"

Heron surged forward, swinging his own mighty fist at John and caught him on the side of the head. John toppled over, eyes closed and seemingly unconscious.

"I truly am sorry," Heron said, giving him a half bow. He hoisted John's body up onto the tracks and turned. "We will meet again in another life, and you will be mine." He disappeared off into the woods.

Rodney found himself turning quickly to hysterics as the train moved ever closer.

"John! John Sheppard, wake up! Colonel! Please, John get up." Rodney tried his best to wiggle towards the man but found his bonds restricted him. "I know I said I'd rather die with you then alone, but this is ridiculous. Get your bony butt up now, or I swear I'll--"

John groaned loudly, moving slowly.

"John! John! The train is still coming!"

The Colonel rolled off the tracks and to his knees, coughing loudly. "Rodney?" He blinked back a blurred vision of the scientist.

"Yes, yes," Rodney urged.

The train whistle blew again and John scrambled to his feet. He ran the short distance to Rodney and knelt by his side, smiling warmly. "What'd you say to get this done to you? Last I heard that guy wanted to marry you, not kill you." His hands worked furiously over the knots in the rope. "Damn, he knows what he's doing."

Rodney gasped when his binds tightened. "Oh, you know, it was one of those 'if I can't have you, no one can', type deals. Once he found out I was off the market, he decided to off me. Not a very gentlemanly thing to do, if you ask me." He peered over John's shoulder at the train. It wasn't stopping and it couldn't be more than a few hundred feet away. It was right upon them. "Work fast, you must work faster. I have no desire to be a pancake."

Sweat dripped into John's line of sight as his fingers flew over the knots on Rodney's wrists, having already freed his ankles. "I'm going as fast as I can. I don't want to risk knotting something else up."

A hundred feet and counting. "Go, John. Please go. I don't want both of us to die. You go on for the both of us and avenge my death."

"No way, McKay. I haven't put up with you all this time for nothing.

Fifty feet.

"Got it!" He ripped the last of the rope away, grabbed Rodney by the front of his shirt and hurled the both of them away, just as the train passed by, horn howling something fierce.

They didn't move from their positions, Rodney half atop John. They were completely content to remain in their collapsed position, breathing deeply and fully.

"Do I tell you enough," Rodney asked John, threading their fingers, "That I love you?"

John patted Rodney gently. "I'm sure you will now."

Rodney smiled. "Screw everything before this, that was most definitely the ultimate Hail Mary of all time."

"Colonel! Doctor McKay!"

The train had passed and when John lifted his head he could see Teyla and Ronan rushing towards them. The rest of the cavalry had appeared.

John assisted Rodney to his feet while they waited for Teyla and Ronan to reach them. He tenderly checked the gash at Rodney's forehead, almost tisking at the depth. "Beckett isn't going to be pleased. This looks like it needs to be stitched, right after he cleans the wood out."

"Are you alright?" Teyla asked them, almost breathlessly. "We were concerned for your safety, Doctor McKay, and yours as well, Colonel Sheppard."

Rodney crossed his arms. "You're late. I'll have you know I was just almost squashed by a train. Yes, I was literally tied to the tracks and almost flattened. I half expect to be tied to a log and sent hurdling towards saw next."

John took his P-90 from Teyla, recalling he'd dropped it and his equipment in a last ditch effort to pick up time. He never thought he'd ever give up his weapon willingly, but when faced with being a few seconds slower with it attached, he'd dumped it only a ways into the forest.

"That bastard Tunko got away," John spat. "He got a lucky hit in and I was distracted by the train."

"Well, I for one say good riddance. I'd rather forget about him completely and just go back to Atlantis. Say, is there any chance we could snag some of the crop? You know, as compensation for the emotional trauma he put me through."

John smashed his fist into his palm. "He'd better hope I never see him again." John gave a look to the direction Heron had gone off in. "But I doubt we'd catch him now. He's got too much of a head start."

"He's got a house up there," Ronan remarked. "A miner graciously volunteered the information." Teyla shot him a disapproving glance. "It has a secret passageway that leads to the river."

John flipped the safety off his P-90. "Teyla, take Rodney to the gate and get him back to Atlantis. Ronan and I are going after Tunko."

John paused when Rodney's calloused hand gripped his wrist. "John," he pleaded, "No. I just want to go home. Leave him alone to rot. Don't go after him."

John sighed and removed Rodney's hand. He squeezed it lovingly. "I have to." He glanced over to Teyla. "Make sure he gets back to Atlantis safely. I'm sure Heron Tunko has allies around here."

"We ran into a bunch of them," Ronan said, "Just after you left, but there are probably more."

"Go," John urged Teyla then he and Ronan were off, rushing after Heron.

Sadly by the time they reached Heron's house and discovered the secret passageway Heron was long gone. They followed the underground trail to the river where they discovered the tread of a boat that had been launched. Ronan grunted disapprovingly at their ending trail. John would not lie to himself on the whole matter. He'd gone after Heron to quite possibly kill him, and he'd brought Ronan along because he knew his friend wouldn't stand in his way.

They headed back to the gate without trouble, dialed Atlantis, sent their IDC through and went home. As John stepped through the Stargate he wasn't quite sure if they'd be back to the planet. He'd love to take a team back at a later date to find Heron, but he found the temptation to kill him for attempting to harm Rodney was too great. He didn't want to completely forget about the crops either, and so he decided he'd speak to Elizabeth about the situation later on. Now he was off to where he belonged.

John located Rodney in Beckett's infirmary, and smiled at the scene.

Rodney noticed him by the doorway. "Would you kindly tell the Witchdoctor that I haven't been properly numbed? Colonel? Are you even listening to me? What's with that smirk on your face? Do you enjoy seeing me in pain?"

"Hey," John replied, hopping up on the bed next to Rodney. "I saved you from Sten Martin didn't I?"

Carson paused, his eyebrows shooting up. "Sten Martin?" He regarded Rodney oddly. "From the 1914 The Perils of Pauline? What's that got to do with anything?"

"Rodney didn't tell you?" John could barely contain his laughter, ignoring Rodney's death glare. "Rodney was lucky enough to be cast in the starring role today."

Carson's eyes grew wide as saucers.

John nodded enthusiastically.

Rodney sulked with his lower lip protruding.

"And here I was, thinking people getting killed wasn't funny, especially the scientist who makes sure the Wraith don't find us. Also, I might add, one of the few people who knows how to work every system on Atlantis and can make your lives a living hell."

John gave a quick look around the room, rolled his eyes and leaned forward to peck Rodney on the lips. "I came after you, saved your life, and dashed off to avenge your honor. I think that's proof enough I care. Now calm down, before I ask Doctor Becket to sedate you, Pauline."

"So," Rodney questioned, "If I'm Pauline, are you George Steadman?"

John tilted his head to the side. "You really think I'm that handsome?" He stroked his chin.

Rodney turned to Carson. "You know, he took a few hits to the head."


End file.
